What it feels like to recover from Narcissistic abuse
Firstly, congratulations on making it this far! The very fact that you are on this page shows that you’ve got the courage to handle whatever the world has to throw at you.
Read on to find out some hacks of thriving in the recovery phase.
So, what’s it like to be in recovery?
Life has been pleasantly quiet. My thoughts aren’t clouded with worry or pain. I’m finally living a simplistic life. I have come to appreciate the small things in life like the stillness of water, a plant that’s been growing in my backyard and the warm smile on people’s faces. My life has taken a complete 180-degree turn ever since I decided to let go of multiple toxic relationships.
Have you ever wondered why victims of narcissistic abuse are called Narc survivors? It’s because you have literally survived abuse for a sustained period of time and didn’t let that shit show consume your soul. You thrived; you survived.
Narcissists are a breeding ground for toxicity. They lie, cheat, manipulate, exercise control and then cry about it when they fail to receive narcissistic supply. These people are a demonic force, and they lack insight. They are what the devil uses when he can’t get to you.
I am going to give you some pointers on the top 7 things to keep in mind when you are in recovery:
1. Surviving narcissism is only half the battle won.
The abuse is so real and so cruel that you are often left wondering to yourself, “maybe, it’s all just in my head”; you may find yourself in complete denial and a state of shock; you may experience PTSD too. In a way, you are right — Narcs are highly skilled at mirroring people, great at showcasing themselves as the “perfect human being” to those who are blinded by their constant pitiful love-bombing. If you are somebody who can read through people’s bullshit, it’s pretty awful to see their mask slipping off. I’ve never seen anything as ugly as them revealing their true, ugly selves.
The abuse creates a form of cognitive dissonance where you are made to self-doubt, self-criticize and self-loathe. You may often find yourself reminiscing over the good times, have an internal dialogue with yourself that they weren’t all that bad, punish yourself for trusting the wrong people or feel guilty about not catching the early signs of gaslighting, love bombing or hoovering that was done to you throughout your relationship.
It can get incredibly hard to fight the feeling of betrayal, especially for an empath. However, it’s important to constantly remind yourself of your reality and not the one they created for you. Do not let your past get to you. I know it’s easier said than done, but it really isn’t worth investing your time on things you cannot control. The hindsight vision of reeling from narcissistic abuse can be alarming, to say the least. Still, it’s gold when you are in recovery because it serves as a carousel of images, a flashback of the mental abuse that was done to you which was hidden in plain sight.
Having said that, don’t lose heart. There are many things you can do to get a grip on your mind, and that brings me to my next point.
2. Educate, educate, educate.
It is absolutely critical for you to do your homework when it comes to narcissism. There are tons of articles, books and videos about this mental disorder. My personal favourite is Dr Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, a narc expert and a youtube content creator who has put up tons of videos about Narcissism and its side-effects.
I know that some of you may feel Narcissism is a dark topic or it’s not something you should be worried about; well, think twice. There is a reason you are on this page, so staying in denial or pushing your feelings under your favourite carpet is the worst harm you can do to yourself.
You owe your inner child closure, and you can never escape the feeling of letting yourself down unless you put in some effort to work on your thoughts and feelings.
3. Get help.
I cannot stress enough, the importance of therapy when it comes to healing from narc abuse. It is a mammoth struggle, and you really need to catch hold of a therapist who is skilled at treating narcissistic abuse and not just any run-of-the-mill therapist. There are many narc experts out there, and you have to make sure you pick the right therapist for you.
It may be challenging at first to completely trust your gut and practice resilience, especially when you are being hoovered or baited into a narcissistic relationship. Getting someone to hear your story and empathize with your pain is extremely important. You don’t have to suffer alone.
One more thing to keep in mind would be children who were raised by narcissistic parents are more prone to falling for the bait of a narcissist because they seek familiarity. Seeking therapy becomes all the more crucial in this case.
4. Don’t rush anything.
I understand that going through narc abuse has some serious side effects such as isolation, guilt, shame, anger, loneliness, self-doubt and just generally a very dim outlook towards life.
It is imperative to make sure that you get some alone time to sit down with your uncomfortable feelings, make time for yourself to heal. There is no escaping this. You have to give it space, do some introspection if you have to and just let it all out.
Remember, It’s okay to cry; it’s okay to feel lost; it’s okay to get angry. It really is. If you didn’t feel any of this, I would be worried for you. Grieving is important to heal. Having these bodily responses only shows that you have a healthy coping mechanism in check.
It’s very tempting to get sucked into yet another toxic relationship when you are recovering from narc abuse. You have to be really careful about who you let into your inner circle. You don’t want to find yourself in the same rabbit hole again.
Healing from narc abuse is similar to dealing with drug addiction. Narcs function just like drugs. They make you feel ecstatic when you are busy serving their purpose, but once you are discarded or when you decide to call it quits, you have to watch out for the withdrawal effects.
You have to resist the temptation of giving them a second chance, feeling sorry for yourself, or falling into the trap of another narcissist in your life. Trust me — there are way too many out there. Narcissists are like greedy vampires who are always thirsty for validation, admiration and approval. They love an audience and are very skilled at mind games.
Also, be careful who you receive advice from. There are a lot of naysayers and people who don’t understand the gravity of the situation. Don’t let anybody fool you into thinking otherwise.
5. Forgiveness is not the same as permission.
Narcissists use your forgiveness as permission to abuse you. The more you forgive, the more you give them the power to abuse you.
For all the believers out there, you may feel like you are doing the wrong thing from cutting someone off from your life. That really isn’t true. God never wanted you to suffer injustice or live a terrible life. People often misuse the word forgiveness. Forgiveness is essential in your healing journey, but that does not mean you have to let those who hurt you back into your life. You can forgive and still keep them at a distance what is important though is for you to forgive yourself first.
A lot of biblical verses have been lost in translation from Hebrew to English. When God said, Love your enemies, we tend to take it quite literally. What it truly means is to show them “Agape” or goodwill.
Remember, above all else, guard your heart. Good things are worth the wait.
6. Boundaries, the game-changer.
Boundaries weren’t something I was taught as a child. Growing up, I learnt that being codependent was the ‘right way to love’. Constantly stuck in a vicious cycle of the victim, rescuer and persecutor. This is dangerous as it could lead to unhealthy attachment with people.
Boundaries are like a mental filter that helps you eliminate the toxic people out of your life. You’d be surprised to know that all toxic relationships come and go together. You may feel like your entire life is being uprooted but stay strong. Having these people in your backyard is far more dangerous than anything else that could ever happen to you.
Narcissists only know how to push your boundaries, so you need to do some boundary work to know what’s okay and what’s not okay.
Codependents could fall very easily into the trap set by a narcissist. Your inability to say no or your people-pleasing habits can cost you your dear life. It can get incredibly hard to break out of the toxic chains of this relationship, especially if you are married to a narc or have children with them. You must pay attention to your gut and educate yourself about codependency before you fall prey to the Narcissist.
I read a beautiful book by Melody Beattie, ‘Codependent No More’ which was a real eye-opener for me. You need to empower yourself with the right knowledge and find help to fight them.
7. Be brave, soldier.
Lastly, remember who you were before you let some insecure narc dictate your life. You are so much more than what your narcissist wants you to be. There is a reason why God chose you. He knew you’d come out of this stronger than ever. The kind of growth that you experience after a narc abuse is unmatched. You start feeling like you finally have a say in your own life, a life that promises you freedom because you earned it.
You are brave for trusting your gut, for fighting the narc and their army of flying monkeys and for resisting the devil’s temptation of falling into the trap of another narcissist. You did not stoop down to their level of toxicity, and that shows that you are a strong, authentic person. Something a Narcissist can never be.
What you have achieved is a certificate sealed with your blood and sweat that despite all the challenges and hardship, you passed. You won; You conquered; You survived.
